The past few months have been the hardest for me. You probably see me on my social media accounts being positive, sharing motivational quotes that I can’t apply IRL. It may look like I’m happy and living my best life. But not everything you see and read on the internet is true. Although social media helps me lessen the stress, I know I have to step back and take a break.
TBH, I’m having second thoughts about sharing this because in reality, I don’t like talking about my feelings because I’m not comfortable talking about it. Everyone goes through something, so why would I bother telling people about my problems? I also don’t think everyone would understand me and not everyone would care. That’s also the reason why I don’t like conversations because I don’t like telling people I’m okay when I’m not. And it’s really hard to explain myself to people when sometimes, I can’t even understand myself.
When I posted this, this was really what I was feeling. I was already expecting that people wouldn’t get it because again, nobody knows…
I thought I was okay, but I wasn’t. Every morning, I would suffer from severe stomach ache and it would continue until the day ends. I would cry myself to sleep and woke up crying again. You might think I’m a drama queen (well, okay I am). But what you didn’t know was that I was battling with anxiety. I was emotionally and mentally drained and I didn’t know where else to go. I didn’t know how to move forward. Was I depressed? Was it quarter-life crisis? I don’t know. Maybe a mix of everything. And more often than normal, I’m experiencing a mental block.
I was lost.
I would show up at work because I had to. And also because on some days, I’m stronger than my anxiety. But it got harder everyday.
I broke down.
I decided to quit my job to focus on myself and my mental health.
The anxiety I was talking about wasn’t because of the pandemic. It’s about something else. But it’s still hard to explain. All I know was that in my mind, I wasn’t good enough.
I also mentioned earlier that I use social media to cope with everything I’m going through. We all know how toxic it can get. So I found a new hobby which is different from what I’m doing everyday. It also helps me to forget to check my phone.
Right now I’m trying to be okay. I am working on myself because no one else will do it for me. I think ourselves have to be our biggest investment. You can have all the money, but if you’re not loving and treating yourself the way you treat other people, then you can’t be one hundred percent happy. Does it make sense?
So just in case you’re wondering why I’m MIA. Here’s why.
I know one day I will come back, if not, somewhere else. And when that day comes, I want to be stronger, wiser and fearless so I can face each day with confidence and a happy heart.
Saw this quote on Pinterest and I think it’s only best to end this blog here.